Twenty Fifteen

2015 has been a blur! I’m not sure where it all went or what I did with a whole years worth of time, honestly I’ve no idea. But whatever may be the case, it’s all gone now and maybe I am just a little bit happy it has.

I spent the first week of the year basking in the joy of beginning a new year and then everything reverted back to the mess I’d been wallowing in at the end of the previous year. I spent months afterwards taking all of 2014’s garbage into 2015. I think that would be the biggest regret for the year. I brought the longing for an ex from a dead, nonexistent relationship into a new year with hopes of somehow rekindling a long extinguished fire and delayed the inevitable ‘getting-over-it’ phase. I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with the end of something that had lasted so long. Hence I found myself coping with a break up long after 2014 had disappeared and too long after 2015 had begun. Finally, I was able to get over it and after a few good strides, my heart took a few more dreadful stumbles and falls from other failed encounters before eventually becoming able to struggle past a lot of bad decisions I’d made. It’s safe to say, this year wasn’t a particularly good year for my heart and love life. Operation #SeizeTheBae 2015 edition unfortunately didn’t happen for me. But still, we persevere.

Even after being talked out of a near suicide attempt in early January before my birthday, I still struggled day after day to come to terms with a lot of things happening within and around me. Some days I won the battle, other days I lost too badly. I learned all the best addictive substances and what was just the right amount of any of them to take that would be enough to blot out hours at a time. What had started as a rare experimenting with alcohol and other terrible things that could keep me out of heaven, soon turned into a full on addiction and near complete dependency on them. Things weren’t going to ease up enough for me to get a grip of myself and the extremely crazy, out-of-control situation so I had to make do under the worst of circumstances. It left me scarred and most of my writing bore evidence of that. So thank you 2015, you showed me how to perfect the handling of a hangover while studying last minute for a Shakespeare exam. I’m not sure to what extent that skill is useful but I suppose I could just add it to my CV anyway. Who knows? A company might just think me hire worthy for it.

Talking about company, I don’t think I can ever look back on 2015 and not remember the amazing people I had the chance to meet. I lost a lot of friendships because I changed and not everyone knew how to deal with the version of me that had replaced the one they had all known. The loss of certain peoples presence from my life when I wasn’t at my best isn’t something I’d expected to happen and it stung. I had to learn to let go of people because sometimes it’s just how to be. So yes, this year I finally understood what Miguel Ruiz meant by “Whatever life takes away from you, let it go.” But life always gives to us too. I found over the course of time I slowly attracted the right sort of people I needed in my life and had old friendships strengthen too. Thank you once again 2015, you helped get rid of the unnecessary people in my life who had long over stayed their welcome and helped usher new people who were better suited to the young lady I’ve become now.

Everyone starts their new year with a list of goals and a bunch of things on their to-do list. The only goal I had gone into the year with was to graduate. First semester ended around mid February and my grades had dropped from high to just above the average. I was disappointed but what was done, was done and the only way was forward. The grades weren’t enough to raise eyebrows but they were low enough for me to know I was veering quickly off track from where I needed to be and if I didn’t put things together then I’d be way past saving. No one else could see I was fighting hard to clean up after myself but I’m not sure it matters if anyone did. I sorted myself out and moved on. Thankfully second semester was so much better than the first and after all the tears, late nights and last minute assignment scramble, I graduated. I’m not sure I’ve been in a room filled with that many amount of people genuinely happy after our last exam. The feeling was and still is amazing. Nothing beats hard work and accomplishment to complement it, nothing at all.

After I had achieved my only set goal for the year I found myself wandering through the days after aimlessly. I kicked myself continuously for not having set more than one goal. Slowly I found a pace to fall into that was comfortable but left me feeling unfulfilled and wanting a whole lot more. But now I’m content to enjoy the lazy days while I take a step back to reevaluate where my life is heading and make much needed adjustments on myself. I’ve enjoyed the experience of unlimited time but… But I’m waiting on 2016 and everything it’ll bring with it. For once in my life I’m not sure how next year will go and I love it. I just hope to meet more amazing people, have more breathe taking moments and take more risks. 2016 is like my Christmas present which I’ve no idea what is inside and the thought of the surprise is something I’m learning to be 100% content with. Where’s the fun in life if you know everything that will happen?

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